I know it’s a bit late to talk about New Year resolutions, but I’ve been giving it some thought and while I don’t usually like setting myself up for disappointment with over-ambitious goals for self-improvement, I do it all the time, so I don’t see why January should be any different.
This year however, I’m going to be smart about it. I’m going to set myself achievable goals which are as near to pointless as possible. Then as I chalk up each resolution I’ve met, I can coast on the smug self-satisfaction all through the year.
- Give up smoking.
I don’t smoke, so I could take up smoking for a bit, then give it up = one in the bag. However I did used to smoke cigarettes and I really liked it, so to go back to the death sticks might be a bit risky. Instead I might try a pipe, with the added bonus that I could point at stuff with it. An awful lot of stuff goes unindicted nowadays. In fact I’ll probably not bother with the tobacco and just go about with a pipe clamped between my teeth, taking it out occasionally to point at things. Like I used to do with that pointing stick I found, but people got confused thinking it was a baton, and would say, “Why are you waving a baton about in the supermarket when there’s no orchestra?” and I would say “It’s not a baton- hey, look at that thing over there.” and they’d say “What are you pointing at with your baton?” IDIOTS. No, a pipe would be much better. Now where was I?
- Learn an instrument.
I have to be honest with myself here. I’m not what you’d call musically gifted. Sure I can sing like a nightingale wooing a dove, but I can’t play for shit. Therefore when it comes to picking an instrument to learn I’ve decided to set a realistic goal which won’t demand too much time, money, ability or sobriety- knowing that I will inevitably fail. After much consideration and soul-searching, my instrument of choice is the paper and comb.
There goes the paper and comb.
I try not to swear around the kids after that time when I tried to teach them my best swear words, but they already knew them and corrected my pronunciation. This means when I’m not around the children I swear like a Tourette’s-suffering navvy who just got a paper cut from his decree nisi. Plus my mum doesn’t like it when I swear on the blog, but sometimes I think it helps with emphasis and I find swearing funny, which may be immature and cheap, but that’s me. If I could put kids getting hit in the face with cake on my blog, or fat people falling over, believe me I would. Anyway, I’ve making a strong start; I’ve only got one ‘shit’ on this blog, no two- dammit.
- Lose some weight
In theory this should be easy. All I have to do it stop eating the kids left overs. I don’t even like the food I give them, but for some reason their half chewed, congealed, cold remains of beans are irresistible. I hover round the table like a vulture while they eat, and the second they leave the table I’m standing over an open bin, stuffing cold, damp toast in my gob. There’s no way I’d accept spaghetti a la ketchup or melted ice-cream with hula-hoop croutons at a restaurant, not even McDonalds. This should be easy, but we’ll see.